This is pretty raw.... pretty straight forward.

So, a friend sent me a link to a website called "Violence Unsilenced" and it's a website about people who have suffered from sexual abuse, etc. Reading through some of the posts, it inspired me to write mine. I would have posted this on their website, but there is a 3-5 month wait and kind of a pain to get it on there. I'm really hesitant to put this out there, but they say it's a good way to cope with the feelings. And it's been on my chest for 13 years now. And here we go..........


The term "Father Figure" to me will be forever scarred. Let's see.. I, Summer Reding, was born July 8, 1991 at LSU Medical Center. My mother was 18 years old, and my father was no where to be found. I was supposed to be put up for adoption, but it ended up falling through. My father didn't meet me for the first time until I was a week old and he was belligerent drunk with a beer in his hand. He was in and out of my life until I was 8 years old. From that point on I didn't see him again until I was 17. But that's a whole 'nother story. When I was 4 1/2 years old, my mom married a guy named Keith Baldwin. He was my new "dad."

At first, it seemed like the life me and mom always wanted. We're an Air Force family now. We don't live in a house anymore with uneven floors and squeaky doors. We live on Barksdale Air Force Base. Keith was awesome. He showed me attention and played with me... I thought he was the coolest dude ever. I called him Keith until I was about 6 years old. I remember one morning before school he told me he wasn't going to answer me unless I called him daddy. So, from that point on, he was "Daddy."


We moved into Creekside, in Haughton, when I was 6 1/2. Life just seemed to be getting better and better. I even had a new baby brother, Alex. It was awesome. Until I was 7 years old, it came to a halt.


I remember going to Sonic. It's something we always did. We drove around and looked at houses, like we always did. I fell asleep in the car, like I always did. Keith carried me in, I'm assuming my mom had my brother. I even remember what I had on.... my Adidas outfit. I was woken up at some point during the walk from the garage to my room, but still kind of half-asleep. The next thing I remember is "Daddy's" hands some where they weren't supposed to be. It wasn't over my pants or over my underwear. It was skin on skin contact. I felt my father's 2 fingers touching me down there. There was no penetration, just touching. I pretended like I was asleep, I didn't know what else to do. I blocked this thought out for many, many, many years.


Other than that time, I don't remember any more skin on skin contact. I do know however, that it did happen more than that time. There have been times where he has snuck into my room (while I was asleep) and I didn't find out until later on.


Here's just some examples of the things that he did, that wouldn't be considered "molestation."

• Forcing me to kiss him on the mouth until I was about 14 and finally told him no.
• Teaching me how to drive when I was 13, and making me sit in his lap. And somehow his hand always ended up in between my legs. I would try to wedge out of it and make it seem like I didn't know. What was I supposed to say? "Hey dad, can you get your hands away from my crotch?"
• Scratching my back (this happened ALL the time)..... his hands would always manage to scratch beneath my lower back. every. single. time.
• Showing me STDs at the age of 12. I'm talking very explicit, graphic pictures of males and females with herpes, genital warts, etc.
• Having the "sex" talk with me at 9 years old. I remember having nightmares about walking down the street and sex was written every where. Seems silly now, but I remember it vividly. 
• Telling me when I was 14 or 15, that sometimes girls have to finger themselves so they can have an orgasm. 
• Showing me pictures of porn stars named Summer. He also showed me ones named Amanda, too. Not sure why.
• Showing me porn on the computer. He'd ask me to sit down, and as soon as I'd see what it was I'd just get up and walk away. 
• Waking me up in the morning, by grabbing my ass and shaking it. 
• Telling me when I was 15, that men really like curves, and I have a nice ass and men are really gonna like that one day. 
• Telling me before my Senior Homecoming that I looked "really hot."
• When Brandon lived with me, he slept on the floor. He told me that one night at about 2:30-3 in the morning, my dad came in. The TV was on, Brandon just acted like he was asleep. He said my dad stood over my bed for a good 10-15 minutes. I still don't know why. 
• One time I was laying in between my wall and bed talking to my boyfriend in high school. I was laying on the floor so I could reach my charger. My door was shut (I always shut my door) and I rolled over to find my dad laying parallel with the end of my bed. My door was barely open. He somehow managed to open my door, crawl in, and lay at the end of my bed without me noticing. Who does that?
• I lost my virginity at 17 years old. My dumbass wrote about it in my journal. Nothing graphic. Just stating that it was a big day and my legs were sore. Well, my dad got a hold of it but told me my mom did. And he had many questions about it.. here's a few. 
• "Are you a screamer?"
• "Was he big?"
• "How long did it last?"
• "Was it every thing I always wanted?"
• "Did I use a condom?"
• My dad also told me that since Brandon was living with us, and we needed "alone" time, to just let him know and him and my family would leave.
• He also insisted that while I was in San Antonio for Brandon's BMT Graduation, that we should tell my mom and brother to leave the hotel room. "Because he hadn't had any in 2 months, and he needs some!" (Which, by the way we didn't have sex while I was in San Antonio) 
• Before he left for a deployment one time, he came in my room to lay down with me. I was on my back, he was on his side and somehow he managed to grope my boob. And his hand stayed there, just cupping it until I finally got up and walked out of the room.
• When I was 13, I had really long hair. I had curled it one day and was putting my make up on in my mom's bathroom. I was leaning over the counter putting eye liner on, and he was taking pictures of me bent over. But he was really "just taking pictures of my hair."
• He made a comment to my boyfriend, that he would bone one of my best friends.

I think we all get the point now. Those are just some of the major things that happened. That's why I don't just say I was sexually abused. I lived in constant paranoia. I always put towels under the door when I took showers, so he couldn't peep through the cracks. I always changed clothes behind my closet doors in my room so he couldn't see in. When I found out I was moving to Kansas, mom said oh good, dad can help you move! I was SO TERRIFIED that he was going to put cameras in my apartment in Kansas, and watch shit on them while he was at home.

But, this is the hard part. My mom and I never had a good relationship. Daddy was always there to make me feel better. He would always tell me "You can tell me anything, I promise I won't tell mom." So of course when me and my mom would fight, who else was I supposed to talk to? There was no one else.

My dad is the one who I can thank my music appreciation for. My dad was smart as fuck. He was a mechanic. He taught me how to change a tire, rotate tires, change the oil, etc.

So of course it's hard to take in. Jason Faustner (real dad) is and has been out of the picture. Mom and I had a rocky relationship, and Keith was always there but was a pedophile. Can you see where some form of depression would form?

August of 2009, I told my mom what Keith had been doing. I haven't spoken to Keith since July of 09. So my life did a 180 in a very short time.

So I guess that's my story. This has helped me cope a little bit. I feel better. The nightmares/flashbacks still haven't slowed down. BUT, I am getting better. Of course, I've been dealing with this for years now. I guess you know now why music means so much to me. That was THE ONLY thing that kept me sane. And still does to this day. I love you all <3